“Ladies and gentlemen, it’s a miserable stormy day here in the Midwest. Welcome to opening day of 2011 Tornado Season. I am your host Random Mishap and this WSPN, a station for all seasons–with apologies.”
“This year we will be covering the 2011 Tornado Season in depth, with reports from ravaged cities, destroyed malls, mangled homes, and incapacitated manufacturing locations–in addition to trailer parks and the empty prairie. On a lighter note: the President did not throw the first bit of debris from this season’s opener–as has been the tradition in the previous administration. Due to a rules change, a member of Congress has handled that task. Now this message.”
“WSPN–the people that brought you the 2010 Hurricane Season, the 2010 Flood Season, the 2010 International Earthquake, Cyclone, and Tsunami Season, the 2010 Disease and Pestilence Season now announces an expansion of coverage for the up-coming 2011 Fire Season–which this year will go well beyond the LA basin and National Forests to include all of California, Texas, Colorado, and Florida. Texas currently leads the league with an early season blaze that obliterated 190 square miles of the Lone Star State. Wow! Expansion seems to be the watchword in this year’s Fire Season so can a major media contract be far behind? Sources tell WSPN that various fast food chains are all negotiating for a media tie in with their flame-broiled products. Stay tuned for more on this important story.”
“Regarding news that you can use, WSPN is itself in negotiations for rights to the 2011 Extinction Season. Extinctions in progress include bats, bees, polar bears, dolphins, butterflies, moose, coral, oysters, penguins, and frogs. Recent reports says there is an order of magnitude increase in extinction rates around the world–could a Monday Night Extinction Special be in the cards? Keep tuned to WSPN for the latest on the demise of your favorite species. Now, we go back to the 2011 Tornado Season and Nimby Myopia down on the farm where this year’s Super Blow will be held in a few weeks.”
“Hi folks this is Nimby Myopia on the fields of Iowa for a review of this season’s opener. Well an incredible set of super cells has swept the midsection of America as well as this field–sending most of the field to Maryland. Stats you might want to watch this season include the number of super cells, their interaction with straight line systems–like the Derecho–their speed over land, and their cyclonic wind speed–which can reach over 300 miles per hour. An event considered pure science fiction just two decades ago. Lastly, the width of the swath of destruction will tell us if we have any Hall-of-Famers in this year’s draft of super cells. Over my shoulder, the fans are already cleaning up from this year’s league opener with a tailgate party–they’re looking for it–along with the rest of the truck. Oh, this just in: FEMA confirms the truck was punted well over eighty yards, landing squarely between the remains of the goal posts in a missing Iowa schoolyard–which we believe is now in New Jersey. But first, before we get to the next swath of destruction, we want to update you on the opening days of the 2011 Flood Season taking place in and around most of the major rivers of the upper Midwest. Take it away Random Mishap.”
“Thanks Nimby, a host of rivers, creeks, a few ponds, and a lap pool are approaching flood stage again. The TV weather people here in the Midwest are again labeling the flooding ‘…the result of wacky weather…’ while declaring there is no connection between these events and anthropogenic forcing of the radiative balance. Back to you, Nimby.”
“Thanks for that, Random. And now for an update on the 2011 Hurricane Season we have an update from our reporter in Miami. Katrina-Camille-Isabella-Diana-Hugo.”
“Thanks, Nimby. Well it looks like another big gear-up for an active season. The reports on vegetation in the Sahel show increased moisture, which is a direct link to severe hurricane seasons here in the Southeast. These same report also says that a Miami farm club–the US Locusts–are attempting to decrease the moisture by eating every bit of vegetation in central Africa. Back to you, Nimby.”
“Katrina-Camille-Isabella-Diana-Hugo, won’t that destruction of vegetation lead to famine in Africa?”
“Right you are Nimby, but destructive hurricanes are a global problem now and we in the US want to avoid the kind of destruction that took place in Australia at the end of last season. The coach of the US locusts has stated that we all need to ‘…Bear the burden of wacky weather. It is an ecosystem after all so no one can think themselves above their burden…’ Back to you, Nimby.”
“You’re right about that Katrina-Camille-Isabella-Diana-Hugo. Thank you for that information. And now a message from our sponsor: Remember, no single event can be tied to global warming so none of this has anything to do with global warming.”
“When we come back, we’ll give you the betting spread on next month’s tornadoes from the world’s reinsurance companies. Stay tuned, there is a lot more coming.”
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