Entertainment:
Another talent-challenged starlet was arrested yesterday in Los Angeles on drug charges and murder. In 1947, the famous Black Dahlia Murder took place in the same city. Murder charges are quite typical this time of year…
Crime:
Today in New York City, thirteen people were killed when an unemployed engineer destroyed a subway car. Of course, this is not the only time a subway car has been destroyed. In fact, this tragedy doesn’t even rate in the top ten. In 1930s, on the eve of World War Two, a pair of subway cars collided killing…
The Stock Market:
The Dow dropped 600 points in one hour today in a repeat of the flash-crash of a few years ago. Said one analyst, “This drop has nothing to do with tomorrow’s jobs report.” Rumors of insider trading have been labeled as preposterous due to a lack of proof…
Food Safety:
Eighty people across ten states have died from E-coli contamination at three fast food chains over the last twenty-four hours. A spokesperson for the hamburger industry hailed the deaths; stating that they were, in fact, a major step forward for food safety. “Deaths from tainted meat were less in 2011 than either 2007 or 2008.” The spokesperson also suggested that reporters should focus on the progress made by industry rather than sensationalizing tragedy…
Finance:
A group of investors will meet with Congress today in an effort to stall new legislation that would increase the public’s awareness of political mechanisms and decrease corporate influence by limiting lobbyist clout. In the discussions, the investors will call into question the entire notion of public awareness. Citing recent reports from the BRITLE (Banana Republic Interests Thinking Litigation Extreme), a think tank, the investors will suggest the public’s right to know is secondary to economic growth as poor economic growth diminishes Democracy by limiting campaign contributions…
Sports:
A quarterback is currently under investigation for taking bribes to fix the upcoming playoff game. When contacted for comment, the superstar suggested the allegations were politically motivated by a socialist element in sports seeking to undermine revenue growth for players. Said the idol, “Bribery remains the only untaxed form of revenue available to us. Attempts to uncover it are simply government interference and unwarranted taxes…”
The White House:
The President today announced tentative plans to support the airline industry in its attempt to undermine European policy to limit GHG emissions by the airlines. Said a spokesperson, “While supporting the environment is important, poor economic growth diminishes Democracy…”
The Republican Primaries:
A Republican Presidential candidate today declared the worldwide science conspiracy is behind the climate change hoax and that we need increased Congressional oversight for scientific research. Said the candidate, “Climate scientists will stop at nothing to acquire a $25,000 research grant. And while knowledge is important, poor economic growth diminishes Democracy…”
Shale Oil and Fracking:
In a November 2011 meeting, oil industry strategists outlined a plan to treat those fighting GHG emissions and shale oil fracking as an insurgency. Said one participant, “We believe the use of military Psy-Ops techniques for dealing with the insurgency (the public) is justified…”
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