After a long debate, it has been agreed by the COP, Conference Of Parties, that an extension to the Kyoto Protocols is unlikely. The Kyoto Protocols, a worldwide plan for the reduction of GHGs has had a rocky ride these last few years as various industry groups have fought the plan in conjunction with certain developing and developed nations. A new, more widely accepted, and easily understood strategy has been developed.
A spokesperson for ANIS, American National Institute for Stupid, summed up the new strategy for dealing with anthropogenic forcing of the radiative balance this way: “ANIS is proud of its involvement in killing the Kyoto Protocols as well as any rational debate regarding human impacts on the climate. We look forward to continued fruitful lobbying efforts aimed at obliterating legislation that limits economic expansion for humanitarian reasons.”
Alternative protocols to Kyoto have been under evaluation.
ANIS continued: “We are proud to say that after two years of extensive study on the climate problem by the Heritage Institute, the Heartland Institute, the American Enterprise Institute, the fossil fuel industry, two interns from an Atlanta cooking school, and a soon to be retiring veterinarian from Cicero, a new protocol has been developed. As a follow on to the Kyoto Protocols, the word DOOM is to be eliminated in all of the world’s languages.”
Leaders of the QEC, the Quisling Environmental Club, were quick to applaud the plan while saying they have some doubts about the new protocols: “The developed nations and the developing nations support this new worldwide effort. It has the support of NGOs, industry, and governments around the world. It must have merit. Unlike the Kyoto Protocols which were contentious at best, difficult to implement, and mired in regulation–this effort to rid us of the word DOOM has broad support. An important factor in getting anything done on the climate–and a first step to what we believe may be a substantive response to global warming.”
When asked how the elimination of the word DOOM forms a rational climate strategy, the Quisling Environmental Club responded that they were looking into links through their research partners at Stanford and Yale. While a spokesperson from Harvard commented: “The elimination of certain words from the world’s dictionaries may be easy to implement, but we believe the long term effect of word reduction on climate change needs more study.”
Fringe environmental groups were incensed at the strategy, claiming the reduction of words is a nonsensical approach to the rapidly changing climate. A spokesperson from the ever-reliable Heritage Institute responded by saying: “We think that a worldwide reduction in words has merit. For example, this strategy will reduce the amount of energy associated with print production, as well as Internet search–for the word DOOM and its tenses–thereby reducing our dependency on foreign oil. We can reap the economies of scale here. First, with ‘we DOOMED’, then with ‘we are DOOMING’, and of course with ‘we are DOOM’. It’s hard to fight the economics of this plan.”
In responding to the criticism, the Quisling Environmental Club has replied: “We are worried that the trend to reduce GHGs through the reduction of words in the world’s languages may go too far. Certain important words might get deleted.” Included in their list of words are comfort, sanctimony, funding, and Prius.
“And although we admit the strategy is less than perfect,” the QEC went on to say: “We believe that the wrong message could be sent to the population–if the environmental community is seen as too radical in its response to the demise of Kyoto. We believe the elimination of the word DOOM and its tenses may not be the best follow-on to Kyoto. We expect the perception by the public that environmentalists are flexible, and willing to work with industry, outweighs the negatives of the plan.”
“This new effort bodes well for the environmental community,” said a spokesperson for AGC, Atomic Glowboy Club. She was also quoted as saying: “It signals a new spirit of cooperation on the changing climate and therefore we support a worldwide effort to remove the word DOOM from the languages of the world. Had we taken the bull by the horns and eliminated the word RADIATION–before the Fukishima accidents–many of the problems faced by the nuclear industry today might have been avoided.”
A decision on the plan is not yet final. One bone of contention is a replacement for the word DOOM. This has been narrowed down to two new words: TOUGHCRAP and SHALEGASISGOOD4U.
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